Depression is a cold dark hole part three
It was on December 23, 1982 when my mother told me to wake up my brother Brian upstairs. Earlier we were talking about not being able to take care of him and that he would have to end up back in the hospital. When I went upstairs, I saw my brother Brian dead, with an empty bottle of pills spilled by his bed.
I remember running downstairs screaming loudly, "Mom, Mom, Brian is dead! My former boy friend, Roger was there setting on our combination couch/bed at the time. And told me that I didn't have to get so upset about it!" I yelled at him and told him to leave this house at once!"
My mother came to my rescue and told Roger firmly to leave, which he had the sense enough to do. I ran outside to the vacuum cleaner shop next door and called Laurie's name. I couldn't stop crying and screaming for God know how long and than I ran back inside our front door which face Broadway Avenue one of the two major roads in Everett during that time frame. Another one has been added called Everett Mall Way later on. And there is pathway to Boeing and Paine field, our local airport and other business.
But Rucker Avenue turns into Evergreen Way which turns in the old Highway 99 which turns into Aurora Ave North in North King County, Which is over the Snohomish County line.
It took a long time to calm me down and my poor sister Lynn down as well.
Why did I blame myself for his untimely death when he was only 27 years old and I was 28. I was very suicidal in those days but so was he. I told him some terrible things before he died! I wish I could take them all back now! But I was suffering with active mental illness at the time and that's no excuse.
The Jehovah Witnesses had a separate funeral for him and invited mom to attend. She turned them down. Pastor John Greeny of Trinity Lutheran Church presided over Brian's funeral held at Solie's Funeral home. We knew that our maternal relatives were there but we didn't know until latter that our father's second wife's Gena's family turned up and tried to cause trouble.
But Aunt Marcia tied into them and said that they were not part of our family and they weren't of course.
Roger did not want me to sit with our relatives but with him instead. Even though I told him it was not the proper thing to do. We broke up after that.
Roger was my straw boss at the local Democratic Party field office. And I was a Democrat in those days. Because of him I got a letter of appreciation from Senator Jackson. He came to a thrift store that mental health services provided.
And I acted glad to see him and latter he met me at a local bus stop. And I was having a lot of ankle injuries in those days. But it was my mother, who told him," I could not walk anymore long distances." I never saw him again.
But one time riding Everett Transit I saw a lonely figure wearing a dog costume and all of the passengers and driver were laughing and making fun of him and so did until I recognized him. I saw the forlorn look he gave me and I turned my head away from him.
Roger was a bad winner and a bad loser. He would gloat over winner and sob over losing. Yes he did spend a lot of money on me. But as the Beatles used to say,"money can't buy me love."
Did I ever love Roger? No I never did anymore than I loved Richard, whom I knew later on. Both of them wanted a relationship from me that it was impossible for me to give to them. I accept half of the blame for our failed relationships.
Roger took me to see the Mariners play and lose to the Toronto Blue Rays and a trip to Victoria on the Princess Margaret. But I hope he found somebody that was the right person and the same holds true for Richard.
And as I tell people who want to know,"I am no longer looking.
One time when I was at the Everett Station a good looking black man approached me and told me that he was interested in me.
I told him,'I am no longer looking."
Besides compared to him, I was a lot older senior lady.
But then he saw me put paper towel up to my lips because of sinus draining and looked away. Causing him to have his own conclusions. Which worked out for the best anyway. His being black had nothing to do with it, I would have told a white man the self same thing. I hope he found the right person he was also looking for.
My mother and I had something in common,"A lousy taste in men!
Truth is stranger than fiction. Fast forward in time from December 1982 to 1996. My mother was worried about me and I knew in my heart I wasn't alright.
I was suffering and unknown to me a conversation was taking place inside the realms of heaven and yours truly was the topic of the debate between two deceased love ones.
My beloved deceased grandfather who died in 1958, the year Dale was born and he died. They were arguing who would appear to me. Granddad won, telling Brian that I saw him, I might not ever recover. So Brian talked to me, and gave a message to both mom and Lynn.
"They were wrong about him and he wasn't in hell but he was in heaven and he would be waiting for both of them there when they arrived...." Before he told me to tell them, he told me that he would be waiting for me, when I arrived there also.
Who else in my family tree could be awaiting my arrival in heaven? My grandmother, my aunts and uncles and any deceased cousins of mine. My mother, Eleanor, my older sister, Lynn and our two younger brothers Brian and Dale. Who would ever think I would out live all of them?
My mother Eleanor of course,"One of these days Roxanne, you are going to get just exactly what you asked to be left all alone by myself a whole lot sooner than you think." Did I believer her at the time? No. Do I believe her now, yes I do.
I saw my grand father in a cameo picture wearing a hat, white shirt and a grey business suit.
'HOW MUCH LONGER IS SHE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS!"
And a loud voice thundered from the heavens, "NOT MUCH LONGER!"
I was taking a shower, my mom told me to get dress and she called the paramedics to be continued latter on.
All of my love in Christ Jesus!
Roxanne Lea Dubarry
Roxy Lea 1954/October Country
October 18, 2025
