Renunciation
I am so tired,
Of this feeling of never being admired,
Seeing everyone else with this thing I want so desperately,
And having to live without it, each night sleeping restlessly,
Because of this pain in my chest of knowing I’ll be alone,
So I renounce it, and of my own fate, I will own.
My past was full of inner turmoil and misery,
And in my future I saw a repeat of my history,
It’s like I’m fighting myself to try and stay alive,
Chasing after love, painful situations I contrive,
Confidence, then self doubt, then my friend’s agony,
As they watch the effects that this deathmatch has on me,
All the good times that we’ve had I continue to look past cynically,
Just because the people I feel something towards look at me pitifully?
Why do they suffer just because there is no one out there for me to be close to?
So I shall rip out my desire at all costs, even if to it, I must slew.
I wanted someone to hold, and to give gifts,
To find unexpected ways to make them smile,
To forget about the darkness and torture for awhile,
But I will cast that out, deep down, into the darkest pits,
I will be alone, and I will thrive,
Deep into my will, I will dive,
Forget the people who stood me up,
Forget the people who looked down on me,
Forget the voice and visions raising me to the noose I could never scrub from my nightmares,
I am here, I am alive, and I will exist, whether or not there is anyone who cares.
I overthink, and so I see, the worst possible outcomes there can be,
They all have kids and lead happy lives far different from mine,
Alone, I create a sea of liquor, and each night ends with me face down in whisky,
But with kids, they ask where mommy is, my only answer comes from my tears as I resign,
With her, I have it all, and so she takes it, showing me there was truly no one out there,
Always preparing to be cheated on, my sanity is hanging by a hair.
But now, I carve a broad swath for my own path,
And if everyone fades and forgets me, then I will not care,
I will not cling and be the cause of someone else’s wrath,
And even if the cost is the happiest I can be,I will pay the fare,
Find tranquility in what I have, and I will make the loneliness rare.
